06:18 Nov 21 2020
Times Read: 883
I am still here. It's been almost another year since I last wrote. I am finding it hard to care for myself. I'm not good at it. I eat. I sleep, though not enough. Somehow, I keep going to work. I have a couple of friends I see semi-regularly, but I don't really feel like I matter all that much. I can't talk to anyone about it. "Why are you depressed?" "You can't be depressed. I'm depressed." "Just do something to change what is happening. You're so negative." And those were a few months ago. And I was trying to be positive, but my anxiety had me talking too much into my thinking. I can't share what I think. I burden people when I speak. I was just trying to say I am in pain. And the physical pain has come along with it.
I can't enjoy anything anymore. Or if I do, only for a tiny bit of time, and there's always the feeling creeping up the back of my neck, and the thought with it. "You don't deserve anything because you don't matter. You are merely a thing to be used, and used up, in this world, with no other value." And I hate that thought. Yet there it is again. Or the other one, that something bad is coming. Something bad has come many times. I've lost over and over. Security, dreams, family, friends. Everything dies. So why do I keep going? Is it worth it for one tiny moment sandwiched in between misery and numbness?
And I'm so angry much of the time. Where did all this anger come from? Yet, I know it's useless to feel it, and it flares and sputters out, like a lit firework doused with water, leaving me exhausted. What's the point of letting it burn?
What do I do with any of this? I can't talk to the people I have left. They either don't want to hear it, or they have their own problems that I don't want to add to. And working overnights, there are no therapists available during my normal waking hours, and sleep has become so precious that I don't want to add yet another thing that eats into it. I'm in physical therapy for carpal tunnel syndrome, in an effort to put off surgery. I'm running out of sessions. Six weeks of recovery after surgery. I can't afford to lose that much work. But my hands. Numb or in pain. I don't know what to do. And what would a therapist tell me anyway? Talk to people more? Take up a hobby? Try to think differently? Medication permanently changed me. It stopped working for the depression, OCD, and anxiety, and I have long-lasting negative mental and physical effects from it. So do I trust a pill again, or will it just do more damage? And why medicate at all? How can what I'm living feel okay to live? It isn't okay. No pill will fix it. Therapy might give me someone to talk to, temporarily, but it won't change my circumstances. I need a new life.
I'm sorry to anyone who might read this. I am not okay.
I hope it changes, but what is hope worth?
COMMENTS
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MidnightEclipsed
06:32 Nov 21 2020
CBD and a high protein diet worked wonders on my pain and mental health. As for talking to someone, you writing out your feelings is what they would tell you to do, this is a good step toward helping yourself understand what is hurting you.
LORDMOGY
16:15 Nov 21 2020